How To Break The News to Mom That You’re Probs Going to be a 30-something Bride

 –call her up and tell her that someone very close to her has died. Give her all the gruesome details and let her have a good cry. 10 minutes later, call back and explain that you were jk’ing, but “FYI, probs won’t get hitched until I’m 31. Maybe even 34. But more likely, 36. But look on the bright side, no one died!” She might make some crack about your ovaries’ demise at this point. But just brush it off your shoulder.

–wouldn’t she rather spend all that wedding money on her shoe collection anyway?

 –tell her if it’s grandchildren she cares about, you’re more than happy to get knocked up for her sake. In fact, you already have been one or two times. Surprise!

 –if she’s really buying into the whole 60 is the new 40 crap, then you get to tack on at LEAST an extra eight years to your “expire by” date.

–you’re just holding out for the first batch of freshly-divorced men to strut onto the market. Not only have those guys already proven they’re able to commit, but really, you were destined for a life of trophy wifedom. You’re not interested in housebreaking your suitors.

 –speaking of trophies, there’s like indisputable proof that women’s boobs start to sag immediately following matrimony. No. Thank. You. Your high school graduation boob job would tots have only been in vain then!

–once you get married, you’re going to use it as excuse to move cross-country and get as far as way from your mother as humanely possible. She should take advantage of all the flesh-to-flesh fights you guys have left, because Skype arguments are so much less satisfying.

–you’re waiting for your baby fat to melt away naturally so you can look skinnier than a preggers Rachel Zoe for your wedding pics!!

 –it’ll actually make it easier for your mom to continue her decade-plus old “I just turned 45” lie. When all her friends gush that she “looks WAY young to have a daughter who’s married,” your mom can just nod her head and say “I know! I am! That bitch ain’t never gettin’ hitched.”

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GAW Monday Mantra

 The next time that kinda stinky homeless man or crotch-grabbing construction worker gives you a whistle or a little kitty cat call, respond with a pleasant “thank you” (as long as bodily parts weren’t exposed). One day you’ll be old and saggy and the only whistling you’ll hear will be a chronic ear-ringing that’ll require a trip to the doctor. Take what you can get while you’re still getting some.

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How to Upstage the Bride, Pippa Style

It’s wedding season. Which means one thing—time to upstage the bride! Here’s how to get your Pippa on:

–show as much cleavage as humanely possible. Sure, the bride is supposed to be feigning some type of virginal mystique. But the only thing you need to worry about is pretending you didn’t see the groom’s mother’s nipple slip. For your sake, as much as hers.

–as for speeches, give one. You weren’t asked? Who cares! Give two! And make them long and tell tons of embarrassing stories about the bride–like that one-night stand she had 8 months ago with the garbage man posing as a siiiick investment banker (OOPS!)–that make her want to run and hide in the bathroom. People will laud your creativity and wit, and if she’s in the ladies room bawling uncontrollably, that means more eyes can be on you getting down on the dance floor.

–faint right before the couple says “I do.” Yes, you might be out of commission for a few minutes—but darling, the questions of concern you’ll get throughout the night will more than make up for it. People always love an underdog. An unconscious underdog? I mean, that’s Rudy-level status right there.

–buddy up to the bride in the months leading up to her wedding and make her divulge all the details of her dress. Fishtail. Check. Lace. Check. Strapless check. When you arrive in a nearly identical white dress, walk up to the bride, who will likely be shaking in rage/shock at this point and say, “Bitch stole my look!” Then laugh and say, “No, really. Is your dress Vera, too? Luvs it. Twinsies!” She won’t be able to combat your classiness.

–don a tiara. And please, make it bigger than Middleton’s. Yawn.

–when the bride and groom go to have the first dance, whip out your boom box and blast “Just Shake That Ass Bitch” and start grinding up against the both of them. When they stare at you befuddled, jokingly jab them and say, “Come on guys, we tots rehearsed this.” Make sure you have your blow-up guitars and tambourines handy to throw out to the crowd.

–when the bride is walking down the aisle, start swooning and taking pics. But then stop her when she passes your pew and ask if she wouldn’t mind taking a pic of you and your friends. Memories are the most important, after all.

–if all else fails, sleep with the groom’s brother. It may not steer the attention clear of the bride, but oh, what a story it will make!

Posted in Friendship | 1 Comment

GAW Monday Mantra

Don’t want to waste all those bothersome calories on food when there are loads of vodka sodas to be consumed? That’s cool. But there’s no need for you to order four appetizers, an entrée, three side dishes and two desserts when everyone at the restaurant knows dang well you’re not going to touch any of it. Overcompensating for your undernourishment at the table’s expense? #aintgonnasplitthatbill.

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Earrings Are For Novices–What GAWs Leave At Guys’ Apartments

 Purposefully leaving your earrings at a guy’s apartment to guarantee another rendezvous is so…OBVIOUS.

GAWs get more creative. Here are some tips to get your game up to par, grrrl!

–leave your cat. Without food. Or its seizure medication. Or its specialty diapers (so sad, we know. But romance calls for sacrifices!).

–leave your cellphone on his nightstand and then run home, email your mother, and demand her to call you—nonstop–for 24 hours. If he answers the phone, your mother has to pretend to be a man and say, “Where has your fine ass been all day?” and then hang up. Each and every time. This will make you seem desirable. Since you won’t be able to call your man to schedule a proper pick-up, show up, unannounced, wearing a trench coat and nothing else. It will be JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES!!!

–casually forget a thong with his initials drawn onto the front in black permanent marker. This will let him know you care.

–leave a box of tampons. He will be too scared to touch them, therefore, your presence will be immediately requested to dispose of the unsightly contraptions.

–leave your whip. If he knows how important your dominatrix classes are, he would hate for you to miss one because you didn’t have your equipment.

–when he’s not looking, tear off your fake eyelashes and lay them to rest on his bathroom counter. This way, since you obviously crept out while he was still asleep (but not before sneaking a peak at his mail, just to remind yourself of his first name) when you return to pick up your “forgotten” loot, he can see the REAL you. And everyone knows the guys care about what’s on the inside, not outside. This will be an important step forward in your relationship.

–your virginity: You’d like it back, thank you.

–leave a smelly, old high school t-shirt that’s still sweaty from your days spent running track. When you get home, call him up and say, “Geez…can’t believe you begged to sleep in my old t-shirt just so you’d have to see me again. Okay! You win! Be over in five! And no, you totally don’t have to wash it, silly.” He may be confused. But it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s in L.O.V.E.

–leave the keys to your apartment. I mean, why doesn’t EVERY girl just do this? It basically guarantees two dates in one day since it’s not like you can go home and wait a night to see him again!! Lock him down for a third date and girlfriend, I’ve got two words for you: wedding bouquet.

–leave your water bottle with the words “Must drink tomorrow or will die” engraved onto it.

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“The Faux-Pull: A Story of Love Lost and Money Gained”

INT. RESTAURANT-NIGHT

GIRL AND BOY ARE FINISHING THEIR WINE AND TWO PLATES OF TAPAS (BOY DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE THE DATE SUPER FORMAL BY INVITING GIRL TO A REAL MEAL AND ALL. SHE WAS FINE WITH THAT, BECAUSE LET’S GET SERIAL–THEY MET ON THE INTERNETS AND IF HE WAS EVEN HALF AN INCH SHORTER THAN HE CLAIMED TO BE, SHE WAS GOING TO STAND HIM UP AND TOTS BLOG ABOUT IT WHEN SHE GOT HOME. STILL, GIRL LIED WHEN SHE SAID SHE ATE A LATE LUNCH/EARLY DINNER AND WAS STARVING! TWO APPETIZERS–SHARED–COULD BARELY TAKE THE EDGE OFF HER GRUMBLING TUMMY. ESPECIALLY SINCE GIRL DIDN’T EAT ALL DAY IN ORDER TO LOOK HER MOST SKINNY MINNY TEENY WEENY FOR THE BIG DATE! SHE COULDN’T WAIT TO DIG INTO THAT BAG OF FROZEN GRAPES AS SOON AS SHE GOT HOME).

THEY ARE LAUGHING AND FLIRTING. THEY ARE BOTH A LITTLE TIPSY. ON A TUESDAY NIGHT!

WAITER APPEARS AND PLACES THE BILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE.

BOY
(reaching for bill)
I’ve got this.

 GIRL
(already began reaching for her purse as soon as the waiter arrived, just to demonstrate that, you know, she doesn’t expect BOY to pay and that she’s totally willing and ready, should her money be requested)
Are you sure?

 BOY
(has his credit card out on the table)
Yeah, sure. It’s no problem.

 GIRL
(fluttering eyes, she now has her Prada wallet visibly grasped).
I have money if you want!

 BOY
Ha, I’ve got it.

 GIRL
(smiling, she tilts her head downward—she read that guys like when girls do that—and speaks flirtatiously)
Last chance…

BOY
(eyes girl, eyes wallet, eyes check).
Umm…I’ll take $5.

GIRL
Huh?

BOY
I’d like to get an ice cream cone after this.

GIRL
Wait, what?

BOY
I don’t have any cash.

GIRL
So you want mine? For ice cream?

BOY
Well, you offered…

GIRL
What kind of ice cream are you going to get?

BOY
Cookies and Cream.

GIRL
Small or medium?

BOY
Maybe a large?

GIRL
(mouth agape, hands shaking so badly her Prada nearly falls to the ground)
Fuck you.

 BOY
Excuse me?

 GIRL
You heard me! And I don’t even swear, normally. Except for like, in emails. To my camp friends.

 BOY
You offered to pay!

GIRL
(gets out of her chair, throwing $40 on the table)
My mother told me never to be BBM friends with boys like you.

 BOY
I could never eat $40 worth of ice cream!

GIRL STORMS OUT. BOY IS LEFT AT TABLE CONFUSED. HE WATHCES GIRL RUN AWAY, SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS, DRINKS THE REMAINDER OF HER WINE, AND POCKETS THE MONEY.

BOY
Okay…I totally could.

Posted in Dating | 2 Comments

GAW Monday Mantra

Choose something that is widely and publicly considered to be a  terrible thing and abstain from it with all your might. That way, no matter how drunk or slutty you get or however many bad decisions you make, you can always say–“Well, at least I’ve never done heroin. 
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