Those are Fightin’ Words–What NOT to Say to Your Single Friends

It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.
Translation: You are utterly desperate and men can literally smell,  I’m telling you, SMELL, your weak, single female eau de loser.

It only takes one.
Translation: It only takes one—until then, stock up on multiple vibrators because you are clearly not getting any.

You’ll find someone in no time.
Translation: You’ll find someone eventually–probably after you’re the maid-of-honor at your 10-years-younger sister’s wedding to an internet mogul and you freak out that your ovaries are drying up and you finally cave and agree to go out with your bald next door neighbor who kinda smells like dried cat urine. But at least he has a car!

It’s not your fault! There are no good guys out there!
Translation: It’s not your fault that I’ve already slept with every single eligible bachelor in this city therefore rendering them untouchable to you. Firsties!

You’re such a great catch, any guy would be lucky to date you!
Translation: I’ve learned to tolerate your idiosyncrasies and disgusting habit of cutting your toenails in the living room (really, who does that?!?), so I’m assuming (but not promising) you’ll find a guy who can manage to ignore your plethora of life fails, too.

You’ve just got to put yourself out there more.
Translation: When all else fails, slut it up. They’ll never call you the next day, but the mental health benefits of body warmth can linger up to 10 hours post-separation.

Let me set you up with my (fill in blank)–he’s so nice!
Translation:  I have the perfect guy for you. Why haven’t I dated him? Oh you, know, because he’s just so special. Plus, we’re just really great friends. He’s been living in his parents’ basement for the last 3 years, has been unemployed for 2 and always has day-old food stuck in his beard (perfect for an on-the-go nosh!). He’s pretty boring but just lonely enough that I think he’d agree to this fix-up (!!!). Plus, he’s such a nice guy! And by nice, I mean I think he’s autistic.

Have you tried online dating?
Translation: Maybe you should move to another country.

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One Response to Those are Fightin’ Words–What NOT to Say to Your Single Friends

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