How To Break The News to Mom That You’re Probs Going to be a 30-something Bride

 –call her up and tell her that someone very close to her has died. Give her all the gruesome details and let her have a good cry. 10 minutes later, call back and explain that you were jk’ing, but “FYI, probs won’t get hitched until I’m 31. Maybe even 34. But more likely, 36. But look on the bright side, no one died!” She might make some crack about your ovaries’ demise at this point. But just brush it off your shoulder.

–wouldn’t she rather spend all that wedding money on her shoe collection anyway?

 –tell her if it’s grandchildren she cares about, you’re more than happy to get knocked up for her sake. In fact, you already have been one or two times. Surprise!

 –if she’s really buying into the whole 60 is the new 40 crap, then you get to tack on at LEAST an extra eight years to your “expire by” date.

–you’re just holding out for the first batch of freshly-divorced men to strut onto the market. Not only have those guys already proven they’re able to commit, but really, you were destined for a life of trophy wifedom. You’re not interested in housebreaking your suitors.

 –speaking of trophies, there’s like indisputable proof that women’s boobs start to sag immediately following matrimony. No. Thank. You. Your high school graduation boob job would tots have only been in vain then!

–once you get married, you’re going to use it as excuse to move cross-country and get as far as way from your mother as humanely possible. She should take advantage of all the flesh-to-flesh fights you guys have left, because Skype arguments are so much less satisfying.

–you’re waiting for your baby fat to melt away naturally so you can look skinnier than a preggers Rachel Zoe for your wedding pics!!

 –it’ll actually make it easier for your mom to continue her decade-plus old “I just turned 45” lie. When all her friends gush that she “looks WAY young to have a daughter who’s married,” your mom can just nod her head and say “I know! I am! That bitch ain’t never gettin’ hitched.”

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One Response to How To Break The News to Mom That You’re Probs Going to be a 30-something Bride

  1. letraeu says:

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