It’s wedding season. Which means one thing—time to upstage the bride! Here’s how to get your Pippa on:
–show as much cleavage as humanely possible. Sure, the bride is supposed to be feigning some type of virginal mystique. But the only thing you need to worry about is pretending you didn’t see the groom’s mother’s nipple slip. For your sake, as much as hers.
–as for speeches, give one. You weren’t asked? Who cares! Give two! And make them long and tell tons of embarrassing stories about the bride–like that one-night stand she had 8 months ago with the garbage man posing as a siiiick investment banker (OOPS!)–that make her want to run and hide in the bathroom. People will laud your creativity and wit, and if she’s in the ladies room bawling uncontrollably, that means more eyes can be on you getting down on the dance floor.
–faint right before the couple says “I do.” Yes, you might be out of commission for a few minutes—but darling, the questions of concern you’ll get throughout the night will more than make up for it. People always love an underdog. An unconscious underdog? I mean, that’s Rudy-level status right there.
–buddy up to the bride in the months leading up to her wedding and make her divulge all the details of her dress. Fishtail. Check. Lace. Check. Strapless check. When you arrive in a nearly identical white dress, walk up to the bride, who will likely be shaking in rage/shock at this point and say, “Bitch stole my look!” Then laugh and say, “No, really. Is your dress Vera, too? Luvs it. Twinsies!” She won’t be able to combat your classiness.
–don a tiara. And please, make it bigger than Middleton’s. Yawn.
–when the bride and groom go to have the first dance, whip out your boom box and blast “Just Shake That Ass Bitch” and start grinding up against the both of them. When they stare at you befuddled, jokingly jab them and say, “Come on guys, we tots rehearsed this.” Make sure you have your blow-up guitars and tambourines handy to throw out to the crowd.
–when the bride is walking down the aisle, start swooning and taking pics. But then stop her when she passes your pew and ask if she wouldn’t mind taking a pic of you and your friends. Memories are the most important, after all.
–if all else fails, sleep with the groom’s brother. It may not steer the attention clear of the bride, but oh, what a story it will make!